Monday, December 19, 2005

Full House Sucks: A Character Study

When it comes to the television show Full House, I don't even know where to start. Full House may just be the ultimate of ultimates of cheesyness and unneeded "Aww's". For some reason, this show had a appeal to a very wide spread audience, and I still for the life of me can't figure out why! Bad acting, mixed with chill-inducing catch phrases does not and more importantly, SHOULD not, appeal to anyone. Ok...Here is the concept of the show. Three single men, living together in San Fransisco, raising a family of three little girls. Hmmm...seems like something fishy going on there, you would figure there would be some kind of drama. Wrong. If this show was based on any sense of reality, people would be pointing at John Stamos, screaming at him that he was a fag. Well anyway...on to the character study!

Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) - What a perfect place to start. I think the Character of Uncle Jesse was supposed to symbolize the "wild bachelor" of the house. Though, in reality, he just comes off as a Elvis-wannabe with really bad hair and horrible catch phrases. "Oh Have Mercy!". I swear, everytime I hear him spew that line out, I have to shower. It makes me feel so dirty, like I just licked the innards of a sewage cesspool. But don't missunderstand me! I know it must of taken a lot of willpower to be able to play such a fucking douche bag. I'm sure it took a lot for him not to purchase a gun and pull the trigger under his chin.

Uncle Joey (Some canadian prick) - First thing I noticed about him, was how ridiculously average this guy is. He is such a schmo. I guess this is the happy medium, the comedy relief between the slick bachelor and the intensly dorky. Only the plan didn't quite work, since he is the opposite is funny. He is known for doing impressions of various characters, and man were they horrible. And the worse part is, that the audience took it every damn time! They laughed like fuckin retarded hyenas! I shudder to think at the horrors they must of been threatened with if they didn't laugh. Were they at gun point? Oh, and you have to love his catch phrase, "Cut it out!". He's do this accompined with some cock ass hand gestures that were supposed to be cute, but they really just made people perfusly vomit all over themselves. There's only so much cheese the human digestive system can take.

Uncle Danny or Dad (Bob "The Bull" Saget)- I don't think there is any more I can say about this guy that I havn't said in my other blogs. It just must really suck being him.

DJ and Stephanie Tanner (who the hell cares)- The oldest and middle children, no one really gave a shit about them.

The Michelle's (The Olsen Twins) - What more really has to be said?

Both the canadaian prick and Bob Saget both went on to host Home Video based shows. I've said it before and i'll say it again. Being involved with any show with "Home Videos" in the title is the equivilant of taking a loaded shotgun and blowing a shot through the metaphorical head of your career.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

i love full house

10:45 AM  
Anonymous clone said...

thank you, i hate it so much and found you on the internet and you are soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo rite.

1:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey you fag! im gonna kick you in the BALLS!!!!!!! full house is the greatest show ive ever seen. i mean sure michelle is a litte bitch and sometimes i wanna shoot comet but cmon full house is just as essential as breathing. and danny! he is the shizzz, hes so confident and manly he has no problem being the woman of the house. and uncle jesse-have mercy. cmon full house is great. and another thing LEMME TELL YOU A LITTLE SOMETHING ABOUT PORCUPINE BALLS-THEYRE SMALL AND THEY DONT GIVE A SHIT!!!

9:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i have to agree with the commentor before me. HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU HATE FULL HOUSE?!!!!!!!!!! i mean michelle DID lose comet so she should go jump off a bridge but that bastard did run away from her. but kimmie is my fshion source and i worshipp bob sagot daily so whoevr wrote this should go take a flyin leap and spend a month with michelle tanner but seriously go worship bob sgot and your life wil be complete!!!

9:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


11:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Full house is the best show I've ever seen. I don't see how some of you think it is bad. Each episode teaches a great lesson and it is a great family show. I LOVE Full House!!!!!!!!!!!!!

11:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That person that said u hav no ffffrrrrriiiieeeennnnndddddsss, is the smartest person in the world, he's exactly right!

11:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey you little bee-yotches. i must agree with the two peeps who said full house is the best show ever! i totally agree with you guys!!!!! and a few words to the bastards who talked shit about full house "DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT FULL HOUSE....OR TOTAL!" jesus christ are you stupid? full house is the ballssssssssssss. theres so much more to worry about than dissing the best show in the world, like calling colgate, there fucking toothpaste--the one with tartar control makes me feel like a PIECE OF SHIT!. now thats something to really worry about. all in all full house rocks my world, and danny tanner is a hunk a hunk a burnin love. have mercy. michelle should kill herself but hey what else is new and comet is a little whore, but whatever. love you all!!! "I HAVE TO LIVE IN THE HELL HOLE. ALL YOU EVER DO IS SIT AT HOME AND PLAY WITH YOUR TITS AND LOOK AT YOUR ASS AT THE SAME TIME"

10:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Full House was a positively ghastly program. Everything about the show is truly forgettable. The characters sucked both in their character roles and off camera personalities.

Full House is a typical product of 80's TV that is completely lacking in everything except stupidity.

Who could ever warm up to redolent turds like Sagat, Stamos and the other guy Coultier or whatever his name is, he's a crappy actor at best; Cameron, Sweetin and those monkey-esque Olson twins were, to me, as lovable as watching yellow jackets and green bottle flies lap up dog diarrhea on a 100 degree day. Yep, they stunk too!

Where are those pathetic cretins from Full House today? Has-beens they are. Except for the homely, trout-pout Olson twins who, somehow, managed their funds wisely (eating disorders and all), the rest of the cast are all over-the-hill and finished.

The 80's was a major SUCK decade. What was there to like about it? I know, nothing! If you lived in the decade you'll want to forget as much as you can about it, except you'll want to remember the 80's just enought to remember just how badly it sucked.

12:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hated the 80's too. Cars sucked, clothes sucked, hair sucked, music sucked and TV sucked. TV shows like Full House apexed just how pathetic the 80's were and how rotten TV had gotten. Sadly TV still sucks to this day as does the music scene.

11:25 PM  
Blogger Jacob Flanders said...

Full House was terrible. It made Bob Saget look terrible. Finally when it was taken off air... he did other stupid stuff.
And now he's funny. He just doesn't work with cute stuff! It's gotta be raunchy or else nothing that comes out of his mouth makes me laugh.

12:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was 17 when Full House premiered. I detested Full House more than anything else on TV. It was simply one of the worst concepts in television's history.

Every character on that show seemed synthetic. Rotten acting, rotten stories, and rotten "talent."

I hated the '80s. There was NOTHING to like about that insipid decade. The only memorable things that happened to me in the '80s were getting out of catholic school, becoming an atheist (I still am and always will be) and watching my father's nearly brand new 1984 Pontiac Fiero catch fire on while driving on the freeway, and the car turning into a mound of melted plastic on the pavement!

Fiero's are the biggest pieces of shit ever made. My dad only bought japanese cars after that fiasco!

3:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


1:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just love how most of the replies to this blog post have come from either one of two separate camps. On one hand are the obvious trolls whose horrendous grammar and blatant “worship” of Full House and Bob Saget and apparent desire for the Michelle Tanner character to “kill herself” (and apparent hatred for Comet the dog, too, for whatever messed-up reason) expose their truly infantile and asinine nature. On the other hand are the bitter, whiny malcontents who clearly hate the 1980s with a passion because they’re either one of the oh-so-many obnoxiously biased ‘90s brats who’ve been out here on the ‘Net for so many years touting the unbridled “majesty” of their precious 1990s or a particularly stereotypically jaded member of the so-called “Generation X” who only remember the ‘80s for the apparently rotten youth they’d spent in such an allegedly “insipid” decade and all the admittedly tacky stuff for which it has been known and accordingly color the entire era a nice, thick shade of fecal brown. Knowing how the Internet works, however, I wouldn’t be surprised if it just so happens that all these nasty remarks have been made by two distinct trolls, one representing each side of this petty, childish, braindead, dual-sided bashing party. Just looking at each set of remarks, I can see the similarities between each little rant that has been made to support either of these two arguments.

At any rate, I’ll gladly admit that Full House was one of quite a few programs from the ‘80s that didn’t do any favors for the decade’s reputation, but let’s not forget that it lasted from September 27, 1987 to May 23, 1995, which technically also makes it a ‘90s show. That’s right…this cheesy, sappy, IQ-insulting, and outright obnoxious stain on American pop culture actually spent more time in the 1990s than it did in the decade within which it had been made to the point where it lasted throughout the entire first half of the Internet’s apparent favorite decade. Then again, if you really want to talk about ‘90s schlock, why don’t we talk about such sitcoms as Baby Talk; Homeboys in Outer Space; On Our Own; Scorch; Hi Honey, I’m Home!; The Trouble with Larry; Heil Honey I’m Home!; Aliens in the Family; and Meego, among other televised travesties? Heck, we can even talk about the likes of such failed TV dramas as Mann & Machine, Ninja Turtles: The Next Mutation, and Baywatch Nights, if you want, or even some of the lousy cartoons that came out in the ‘90s like the Double Dragon animated series, Bubsy the Bobcat, the Battletoads cartoon, The Brothers Grunt, the CBS version of the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon…I could go on.

7:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


To put things simply, NO decade is perfect, especially when it comes to pop culture. For every sitcom like Full House, Joanie Loves Chachi, and Mama’s Family, there’s a sitcom like Cheers, The Golden Girls, and Night Court. For every “Mickey” by Toni Basil and “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” by Bobby McFarrin, there’s a song like “Livin’ On A Prayer” by Bon Jovi or “Billie Jean” by Michael Jackson. The same goes for fashion, hair, cars, movies (many of which from the 1980s are still regarded very positively by most audiences), and so on. In fact, I’m willing to bet that everyone here can look at his or her favorite decade and admit to finding AT LEAST ONE film, television show, song, et cetera that he or she didn’t like…assuming, of course, that said person can remove his or her rose-tinted glasses long enough to take an actual look at the decade in question. Better yet, the next time any of you decide to judge the value of a decade, why not take a look at it from a historical perspective as well as a pop-cultural perspective? Sure, the ‘80s had such horrors connected to it as the recognition of AIDS; the origin of the term “going postal” in 1986 with the Edmond, Oklahoma, post office shooting; and the Pan Am flight 103 bombing, but guess what: The 1990s had its fair share of drama as well with the likes of the Oklahoma City Bombing, the Columbine High School shooting, and anything and everything connected to the O.J. Simpson trial, just to name a very few truly impactful instances in history. I could continue with the 2000s and the 2010s, but I think I’ve made myself perfectly clear with this point.

All that in mind, then, don’t EVER conclude that an entire decade (or similar time period) “sucks” simply because of any one aspect about it. Look at the whole picture, not just one part—especially the arguably most superficial part of said picture.

7:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So you know Dave Coulier's from Canada, but you can't even credit him by name for playing Joey Gladstone or even name the two comedy shows that he and Bob Saget hosted during and after their Full House stint (America's Funniest People and America's Funniest Home Videos, respectively)--even though you insist on calling Coulier "some canadian prick?"

Oh, and real classy using the term "fag" to describe what Jesse would have been called if Full House was based on, as you've said "any sense of reality." Also, Danny was never anyone's uncle until Jesse and Becky had their twin sons, and for you to insult the actors just because you hate this show only makes you even more of an immature jackass than I've already pointed you out to be. Hate the show and call it insulting all you want (I do myself on both counts, believe it or not.), but for crying out loud, show some decorum while doing so and spare us all the foul-mouthed, self-entitled, homophobic, tantrum-throwing macho boy routine.

10:11 PM  

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